• livinyo

finding love and all that gushy *vomits in mouth* stuff

Updated: Dec 10, 2021

hello fellow humans,

love. love. love. a squishy, all-in-your-heart, butterflies in your stomach, I want to throw up-now kind of feeling.

we are all deserving of it, many of us envious when we don't have it, and few are privy to its clammy grasp at some point in our lives.

for me, I really love love. yes, I said that correctly. i love, well, love. having never actually been in a relationship yet (never say never kids), I think I'm more infatuated with the idea of love rather than the thing itself.

it's not like I think it's all unicorns and daisies (people have personalities, and conflict in any capacity is inevitable), but i think there's something truly beautiful about two whole personalities meshing with each other, getting to know one another more and more. like, besties with a twist (this is the PG13 version, pls bear with me, but you know what i mean aha).

i like someone. someone who i feel is a good fit for me. i like him so much that it physically hurts. i like him so much that i am sometimes at a loss for words when i speak to him. it feels like i'm on cloud nine when i'm around him. he is kind, he is honest and he makes me a better person. he is also my friend.

i am a person who fears rejection too. aha, gotcha! you really thought that i was going to detail my plans for world domination and TELL him how i feel?!? you were wrong there buddy. no, i am going to supress the urge to tell him how i feel because i fear that he isn't going to feel the same way about me. and that is where i know i've stuffed up.

i am cool. i am nice, i am good. so why do i think that i'm not good enough for HIM? i think he's good enough for me, so i'm clearly missing a step here.

maybe it's the fact that i.... or maybe i'm just not... or could be more... no. it's actually because i am riddled with crippling self esteem and rely on the validation of others to build myself up. ah yes, bingo.

while that last part was difficult to write (truth hurts, amirite?), i am fully invested in the process of overcoming it and making sure that i'm good on my own before letting anyone else into my life. some days witness massive strides in my venture (i feel like THAT bish and am very in tune with myself), and then i'll have a crappy day every now and then where i drown in tides of sorrow and self-hate, consume ice cream in a permanent supine position on the couch for 6 hours, and cry until i can no longer comprehend my whereabouts. mmmm, we stan a depressed queen.

maybe i will come to the realisation that i'm good on my own, and that the opinions of those around me actually don't matter that much. maybe my self love will be the very thing that attracts the right person (or people) to me. that would be a really beautiful thing to happen, honestly.

until then, take care x

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