nice guys finish last, and the painful truth in being 'liked'
'nice guys finish last, that's, why i'll treat you like trash, it's not what i really wanna do' - a song that really, and i mean REALLY, resonates with my feelings on this topic.
here is the link to the music video if you wanna check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfeys7Jfnx8
so, i am single. a single pringle in this world of pringles, really. some of these pringles are taken, absorbed into one of these lovey-dovey relationships which scream out 'goals'. there are also some pringles who, like me, are single too. that makes me feel better, when i begin to fall down the rabbit hole of the decisions in my life which have led to my current loneliness.
i am of the opinion that nice people finish last. i have come to this premature conclusion based solely on anecdotal evidence and a myriad of experiences, both whole and half-hearted in effort. i am a person who is a people-pleaser. i have this belief that i need to do something of value to be viewed as 'good' in the eyes of someone. if i like someone (whether that is in a friendship or a romantic sense), i feel this overwhelming obligation to earn this person's respect by doing something that would make them happy.
i realise this isn't a good mindset to possess, and i believe i've also turned many people off by my inability to be independent and possess opinions of my own. i just revert to neutral or somewhat biased opinions and stances in order to feel accepted by the other person.
i also consider myself a nice person, and i believe that this, compounded with the fact that i am somewhat unable to be independent, free, of the self-imposed binds of people's individual preferences and expectations of me, is to my demise.
see, the issue stems not from the act or practice of being 'nice' to people, but from the motives surrounding being nice. i am nice because i strive to avoid confrontation, and i want to be liked and wanted by everybody that i come into contact with. this is pathetic, i know, but i fear that being 'myself' won't make me likeable (not that i'm mean, rude or any other adjective used to describe a person who acts unpleasant).
so, being 'nice' is like my security blanket. it's my insurance docket that lets me know that things in the general sense are going to be okay, that they are going to be stable. neigh. maybe i don't want things to change, maybe i want to forever be the 'nice guy' in all aspects of my life. maybe i want to remain like this because i don't know any different. maybe i'm not exactly sure of what quality of life exists outside of such a way of living. i yearn to venture out of the prison that i've so conveniently built for myself and experience life as a 'normal' person would. sometimes i do drawl on with my life, feeling so sick of the person i have become and the manner in which i do things. i hope to god i'm not the only one who feels like this.
i have a feeling that i've veered off topic on this post, so i think i'm going to start wrapping it up in the best way i can. nice guys finish last. i don't treat anyone like trash, rather, i let people treat me that way, or any way that they please. got baggage that's completely unrelated to my very existence? lay it all on me. arguing with your significant other and are frustrated to the point of melancholy aggravation? sign me up. hate yourself that much and want others to incur the wrath of second hand pain and depression? i'll give up my first born child to have that experience.
i am nice. i want others to feel nice. nice is bland, but nice is safe too. nice is also stifling everything i ever wanted for myself - my personal aspirations for my future. for my soul, my body which i'll have to live in until the day i die. nice is akin to the relationship you just can't get out of because 'he said he'll never do it again'. nice is that warm bed you dread leaving in the early hours of a cold and dewy morning. nice is that friend who you always believe is 'good' regardless of the myriad of times in the past in which they made you feel like pure garbage, would never reciprocate acts of friendship, or made you their 'plan b buddy' (a person who makes you their last choice, mostly used in reference of friendship) to the point when you feel like such a sucky, lumpy, piece of crap that you could be spontaneously swallowed up in a random black hole and nobody would even notice.
i am tired.